


Why Do I Put Up With This?

by Serenity70peace45



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anger, Angst and Feels, Betrayal, Bitterness, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Blood Loss, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Current Events, Disability, Disappointment, Embarrassment, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Moving On, Past Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Poetry, References to Illness, Sisters, Stomach Ache, Unhealthy Relationships, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27241150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serenity70peace45/pseuds/Serenity70peace45
Summary: A poem about moving on even with anger and betrayal still lingering on in one's mind. A year in the life comparison (2012 vs. 2020). Mind the tags.
Kudos: 1





	Why Do I Put Up With This?

**Author's Note:**

> Just like I have said in my other works, I'm not perfect. I do have flaws and I'm working hard to improve. This poem is extremely angsty and unfortunately accurate. Mind the tags.
> 
> Thank you to my two friends and sister who have always supported me through this.

Why do I put up with this?

The cruel stares,  
Empty promises,  
Backstabbing,  
Lack of resolutions,  
Broken heart beating,  
Rapidly in my chest.

No one takes me seriously.  
Nor cares,  
Just stares,  
As I hobble down,  
Holding my aching belly,  
Down,  
Those creaking stairs.

The day,  
I got sick,  
This all started.  
They all left.  
As soon as they knew,  
It would be permanent.

Apparently,  
I was no longer,  
Reliable.  
Useful,  
Helpful,  
Just a defective,  
R-word robot.

I'd compromise,  
Worked through arguments,  
Ran a hundred miles,  
Swam the deepest oceans,  
Listened to and helped,  
With all their problems.

Never asked for help,  
For anything in return.  
Just to see them smile,  
Made it all,  
Worth it.

The pain,  
Lost time,  
And the hole in my heart.  
Worth it. 

2012,  
Nearly broke me.  
A potential future ruined,  
Friends ditched me,  
A boyfriend left,  
Body constantly aching,  
Violent stomach aches,  
Wet coughs,  
Blood dripping,  
Vomit surging,  
And intense cramping.

Blood covered my clothes,  
Blood stained my hands,  
My blood.  
Prayed,  
For it to stop.

Then I begged,  
Stay inside my body,  
Don't leave!  
Don't want,  
To lose more.  
Have another transfusion.

Couldn't leave the house,  
Couldn't control,  
My disaster of a body.  
Smelled gross,  
Felt gross,  
Could barely make it,  
To the bathroom in time.

Treatment after treatment,  
Failing me.  
No friend to turn to.  
All left,  
Didn't want to deal with a sick friend.

I understand.  
We were young,  
No one was mature.  
Lives had just begun.  
Futures eminent.  
Wanting to be adults,  
Wanting to be seen,  
Valued.

Now it's 2020,  
2012,  
Happening all over again.  
More broken dreams,  
More physical pain,  
A very ill body. 

Would hope they at least would care.  
These current “friends” of mine,  
My significant other.  
Nope.

Don't need a cure from them,  
Just a hand to hold.  
Someone to talk to,  
Besides the walls.  
Don't ask for much.  
Don't really want anything. 

Maybe love and friendship,  
Like I give them,  
Year after year. 

I always compromise,  
Work through every fight,  
Run a hundred miles,  
Swim the deepest oceans,  
Listen to and help,  
With all their problems.

Never ask for help,  
For anything in return.  
Just to see them smiling,  
Makes it all,  
Worth it.

The various pains,  
Losing time,  
And that old hole in my heart.  
Worth it. 

A hole that grows,  
As I realize,  
There is no true cure.  
Not for ten or so years,  
At least.  
Permanently ill,  
Permanently disabled.

No one to talk to.  
My problems are nothing,  
To talk about,  
Not important.  
When they're all hurting.

Want to help them,  
Have helped them,  
Somewhat,  
Been a supportive and helpful friend,  
Lover,  
Confidant.

When I'm hurt,  
They run.  
Leave me completely,  
Friendships dissolved,  
Completely dumped,  
Standing by a bus stop,  
Heart in my hands.

Why do I put up with this?

It's 2012,  
All over again.  
This time,  
We're adults,  
Not teens.

Just add wildfires,  
Global pandemics,  
Job losses,  
Everyone is in pain.

Pain,  
I wish I could help,  
Remedy it for everyone.  
Yet,  
My body is useless.

Blood dripping all over my clothes,  
Vomit filling up my sink,  
The toilet,  
Barely clinging,  
On to my bathroom counter,  
As I breathe.

Heart beating,  
Rapidly,  
Stomach aching,  
I cry,  
When?  
Will it stop?  
Please,  
Make it stop.

Then,  
Suddenly a hand,  
Rests on my back,  
My roommate,  
My sister,  
Home from work.

I'm embarrassed,  
She shouldn't have,  
Needed to help,  
To see me,  
Like this.  
Vomit on my shirt,  
Tears in my eyes,  
Panting,  
Like a dog.

Soon,  
I'm vomiting again.  
She holds my hair back,  
As it continues,  
She knows,  
That I will fight.

Continue,  
Until I breathe,  
My last breath.  
Can’t give up,  
Not now.  
Been fighting,  
For 9 years.  
Would be a waste,  
To give up,  
Now.

No one,  
But her,  
And two others,  
See me like this.

Depressed,  
Running on fumes,  
Tired,  
Aching all over,  
Vomiting,  
Bleeding all over,  
Myself.

Everyone else leaves,  
Breaking my heart,  
When my cheerful facade,  
Slips up.  
When they see,  
My pain,  
My feelings,  
My flaws,  
Sometimes,  
Even just my looks.

Would have lost hope,  
A long time ago,  
If it weren’t for them,  
Holding my hand,  
Talking to me,  
Giving me something,  
To look forward to,  
To fight for.

I will be ok,  
Eventually.  
Just need to continue,  
Fighting,  
Striving,  
For a better future.  
Someday,  
Maybe things will become,  
More stable.  
My health,  
Stronger,  
Less flares.  
Less pain.

For now,  
I move on.  
Leave those who left,  
Behind in my thoughts,  
In my memories,  
In my mind,  
I’m not wasting any more time.

No more putting up with this.  
Always forgiving,  
Friends that are never true.  
Putting myself last,  
All the time.  
Hiding my pain,  
My feelings,  
24/7.  
Letting lovers abuse,  
Use me,  
For their own gain.  
No,  
No more.

Don’t know,  
What tomorrow will bring,  
Might feel better,  
Might be worse,  
It comes and goes,  
Everyday,  
A new challenge.

Tired,  
Very tired,  
She helps me rest,  
Promising to make me,  
Chicken broth later.  
I should be protecting her.  
She doesn’t need,  
To do this.  
Then she reminds me,  
We’re family.  
We have each other’s backs,  
She doesn’t find me,  
Embarrassing,  
A disgrace.  
Blood,  
Vomit,  
All over my clothes.

To her,  
I’m not hopeless,  
Useless,  
Defective.  
I’m trying,  
Fighting,  
Struggling,  
But I will…  
Get there.

She and two others,  
Believe in me.  
They won’t give up on me.  
Just can’t surrender,  
To this disease,  
Pain,  
The disappointments,  
Of this year,  
My broken relationships,  
And my dismantled…  
Dreams.  
Dreams that will have to change.

Someday,  
I will be stable,  
Strong enough,  
To beat this.  
There may be a cure.  
This illness,  
The depression,  
The nightmares,  
Will slow down,  
Just need to be strong.  
Another day,  
Another fight.  
Eventually,  
I’ll be...  
Alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Despite my struggles and this hell of a year, I do wish that I could help make this year less terrible for everyone. My jobs do help others, but hopefully things will get better soon with everyone working together. Please stay safe everyone. 
> 
> As for those two amazing friends that did stay and care and my wonderful sister, thank you so much for helping me through this. It's always a lot easier fighting with your support. Thank you.


End file.
